a diary after 4 years in arabian deserts……..
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I think I started liking this desert……
I always liked a portrait of a beautiful woman in Indian deserts. When I stare at desert horizons through the mesmerizing sand dunes, I think they attract me now. It resembles a painting which I lost some where around and in between the greeneries back home.
I never had a chance to appreciate the sensuousness of the beauty she had. Unintentionally I was pulled towards the wet, rainy, cool, green and fresh faces that surrounded me. A concept of desert, dryness in life, an uncertainty, monotone rhythms, a struggle for existence, a rush to live on all these ever did not come to my mind nor were they so appealing to me. Now having been forced to live here, a sort of attachment, a commitment has formed some where deep in my heart. Am I stepping close towards an illegal external affair to this desert? I never felt that, I am about to cheat on my greeneries behind that I loved to the most. I might have forgotten the correct picture or may be my grey cells are so weak to refresh and cherish the memories of those good old, youthful effervescences.
Some one said…
We lost the world we owned once…
We lost the gush of water streams we played with once
We lost the evenings; we lost the brown red roads.
We lost everything; sigh, sigh and sigh about the loss
No one said….nor ever noticed
The naked beauty of these curvy deserts…… may not be your first love but a sincere second affair…. But she never demands nor does she complain.
Good Night
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Vagabond Thoughts.....
I just smiled now!!!!
I don't understand. Why????. I thank god - it was a smile not a cry in pain
Always I prefered to be immersed in thoughts and I just let my mind wander without any restrictions. Not even sky becomes a limit, it slowly take off, fly above the white clouds and just come back home to me and it just sleeps there inside me. Indeed a private posession, a passion to be felt and loved.
What should I think today?
A smile.....
It conveys a lot - Love, Sarcasm, Empathy, Recognition and What Not.
I was so happy when she smiled at me for the first time in our relation. It was a glance when I was coming out of my music class. Smiles cumulated and synergised to a greeting after a long wait on the 10th day. We became friends. Some times she came and smiled in my dreams. It was so refreshing and it was highly an energiser. I prefered to skip the usual glass of fresh milk to get that smile. I was rushing and I almost forgot my finger positions over my violin since I was panting after a sprint to receive that smile.
I was so convinced and victorius when he smiled at me. The interview panel was so happy and I knew they were about to finalise my admission to the course. He gave me a positive message that I was going to be there in the campus for the next four years. I was happy to see every one smiles at me from the day one and when ever I entered the class room. Seasons came and went, I noticed a change in me and the people around me. We were not smiling each other so frequently. Our smiles were reserved for special ones or we did not prefer to smile at some because we just did not want to waste the time and they did not worth a smile. The genuinity and affection of the smiles I was receiving was at much much higher altitudes. I prefered to care those who smiled at me and conveniently avoided those who did not smile or did not care to smile. I called the latter ones "aquaintances" and the first ones "my friends".
I was torned apart when I received his smile and she was giving a company to him. She looked at me as if she did not deserve my love. Who cared about her right to own me or lose me? I never understood what went wrong in my love. I always loved to see her smiling all the way and I would have sacrificed a thousand smiles against her one smile. Only mistake I did was not letting her know in words that I love her. I never wanted to start our relation contracted in black and white even if it is through a letter of love. I was correct, I never found a correct word to express my feeling for her. I expected my heart beats were clear and loud to her. When he smiled at me on their way to her favorite beach side cafe, the smile was distorted with emberassment. She might have noticed my tears preparing to slide over my cheeks. I felt from a distance her lips whispered- " So cute". I never felt that I was losing a hand ful of smiles, who ended their long wait for me with a sigh of discomfort.
Thousands of smiles passed near by me without a genuine acknowledgement. They did not ever touch my heart.
At last I felt a warm welcome when she smiled at me on our wedding day. We were starting a journey together.... an un familiar journey ..... I smiled and hold her hands so passionately, there was an intense urge in her eyes. She smiled, I kissed her and I was slowly steping towards a heaven. A heaven without smiles, but so attractive and blissful.
But... Why did I laugh Now?......
I just dont like to tease my brain since I know, the answer will at last come to me but I might have to wait for a lonely and breezy evening like one I have today.
I don't understand. Why????. I thank god - it was a smile not a cry in pain
Always I prefered to be immersed in thoughts and I just let my mind wander without any restrictions. Not even sky becomes a limit, it slowly take off, fly above the white clouds and just come back home to me and it just sleeps there inside me. Indeed a private posession, a passion to be felt and loved.
What should I think today?
A smile.....
It conveys a lot - Love, Sarcasm, Empathy, Recognition and What Not.
I was so happy when she smiled at me for the first time in our relation. It was a glance when I was coming out of my music class. Smiles cumulated and synergised to a greeting after a long wait on the 10th day. We became friends. Some times she came and smiled in my dreams. It was so refreshing and it was highly an energiser. I prefered to skip the usual glass of fresh milk to get that smile. I was rushing and I almost forgot my finger positions over my violin since I was panting after a sprint to receive that smile.
I was so convinced and victorius when he smiled at me. The interview panel was so happy and I knew they were about to finalise my admission to the course. He gave me a positive message that I was going to be there in the campus for the next four years. I was happy to see every one smiles at me from the day one and when ever I entered the class room. Seasons came and went, I noticed a change in me and the people around me. We were not smiling each other so frequently. Our smiles were reserved for special ones or we did not prefer to smile at some because we just did not want to waste the time and they did not worth a smile. The genuinity and affection of the smiles I was receiving was at much much higher altitudes. I prefered to care those who smiled at me and conveniently avoided those who did not smile or did not care to smile. I called the latter ones "aquaintances" and the first ones "my friends".
I was torned apart when I received his smile and she was giving a company to him. She looked at me as if she did not deserve my love. Who cared about her right to own me or lose me? I never understood what went wrong in my love. I always loved to see her smiling all the way and I would have sacrificed a thousand smiles against her one smile. Only mistake I did was not letting her know in words that I love her. I never wanted to start our relation contracted in black and white even if it is through a letter of love. I was correct, I never found a correct word to express my feeling for her. I expected my heart beats were clear and loud to her. When he smiled at me on their way to her favorite beach side cafe, the smile was distorted with emberassment. She might have noticed my tears preparing to slide over my cheeks. I felt from a distance her lips whispered- " So cute". I never felt that I was losing a hand ful of smiles, who ended their long wait for me with a sigh of discomfort.
Thousands of smiles passed near by me without a genuine acknowledgement. They did not ever touch my heart.
At last I felt a warm welcome when she smiled at me on our wedding day. We were starting a journey together.... an un familiar journey ..... I smiled and hold her hands so passionately, there was an intense urge in her eyes. She smiled, I kissed her and I was slowly steping towards a heaven. A heaven without smiles, but so attractive and blissful.
But... Why did I laugh Now?......
I just dont like to tease my brain since I know, the answer will at last come to me but I might have to wait for a lonely and breezy evening like one I have today.
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